chloetakesphotos

shine on.

2012-02-12T04:30:00.000-08:00

Got a text from my brother in early hours of the morning, i was so so shocked, and went down stairs to watch the news. It was true, Whitney Houston has died. On the 11th Febuary aged 48. Such deverstating news, she was an iconic legend, its such a shame.

the opening of her song 'my love is your love'..

If tomorrow is judgment day

And I'm standing on the front line

And the Lord asks me what I did with my life

I will say I spent it with you

now today is your judgement day, and when the lord asks you what you have done with your life; you can say you changed the world with your beautiful music. such an inspiration. rest in peace Whitney Houston.

i rememeber when i was in year 8, all i used to do was listening to her music, and of course i still do. i remember me and jess sat at my computer in the conservetry and we watched 'i run to you' and were crying.. and then of course laughing at how stupid we must have looked. then of course listening to 'where do broken hearts go' in her bedroom at her dads house and singing as loudly as we possibly could! ill always rememeber those times, and her voice. i always gets goosebumps listening to her music, its so tragic that this is happened, those goosebumps will last forever.

heavens choir just got their lead singer back. restinpeacewhitney sleep tight.

good weekend.

2012-02-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

its been snowing! had coffee with meghan & smith after school fridat at chandlers which was super nice! then went to harrys... ive been such a bitch to him this week, so appologised! then yday didnt do much, was jakes birthday though! went and got a new phone.. but reeeally not gettting along with it! sunday.. today, harry came over, had a snowball fight etc! he won hands down, and i pretty much started crying. uttt ohhhhhhhhhh..

now for an english presentation! over & out. <3

your still right there but its as if youve dissapeared completly..

2012-01-20T14:12:00.000-08:00

''i think meghan have an exam today?''

''yeah, i thought that. she must have shes wearing her hair up. she always wear her hair up when she has an exam.''

this made me think when i said this today, i just said it as if i didnt care about you anymore. which of course i do, but youve changed so so much, you had the issue with your weight and you have just lost all your sparkle... and its so sad to see. i hardly talk to you anymore and if i do its just phatic talk that goes know where. its as if you dont care anymore. which you obviously dont, but i dont know why, why have things changed? we all get stressed i know, but its not you anymore. i just hope you realise.. or get better.

you will do brilliantly with whatever you do. so theres no need to worry about that.

okay?

2012-01-20T14:08:00.001-08:00

dont think that im pushing you away, when your the one that ive kept closest.

there is always a light that never goes out..

2012-01-15T14:47:00.000-08:00

Ive had a lovely weekend this weekend. Ben took me to United yesterday, paid for the train and just everything, was so so nice. Of course we won, which was always amazing! 3-0 Bolton. With Scholes scoring the first goal, it was a beautiful game.

Prior to the match we went to the Trafford pub, and also we stopped off at b'ham as ben ahd to exchange something! Saw the Munich tunnel and met and ex player named Frank Stapleton! Lush day! <3

Then today... which is of course sunday.. i saw harry, went round and we chilled, played abit of fifa, and then went to the Hanwell Arms for dinner and the hugest pudding ever! Met his Grandparentd, they so sweet, and they paid which was lovely of them! But yeaah, attempting sharing this massive pudding, but got defeated.. Its Kays mums funeral tomorrow bless her heart. :( Will be thinking of them all lots, there such a lovely family. <3

i will talk about harry some other time..

there is always a light that never goes out.

lovely weekend. over and out..

2012-01-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

in a sunday mood..

2012-01-08T11:23:00.000-08:00

i need to start copying pictures that inspire me.. else the inspiration just fades.

2012-01-07T04:43:00.000-08:00

one of the most beautiful songs & videos..

2012-01-07T03:27:00.000-08:00

2012-01-07T03:13:00.000-08:00

you dont need an army to protect you.

you never let anyone close enough to hurt you in the first place.

i already know.

2012-01-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

i feel like im losing you. but theres nothing i can really do about that..

Christmas shots

2012-01-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

hello 2012.

2012-01-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

its a new year.. woooo. but none of that new year new me bullshit. im the same me. well supposibly? but i havent been right for the last few weeks.. maybe months but i havent really noticed until i had to actaully start thinking about it. i ahvent done any of this blogging, writing, scrappbooky stuff for agesssss. i should maybe cause i love too look back over it and think what a pyhsco twat ive been! ahaa!

but yeah, im ill. :/ maybe this just makes me feel vunerable and think about things? i dont know. but went to hosputal last night, i have tonsillitis and may have to go back for blood tests as i may have glandular fever which explains partly why i cant sleep at all, why i have zero motivation. but maybe that just me! i dont know. ive joked a few times about having bipolar too.. how one minute im on top of the world, and yeah next minute.. yeah.. i am how i am. so ive researched into it a little, and some things relate and connect. which is so fucking stupid because this will be playing on my mind aswell?! whyyy do i do it? why not fucking research things i need NOW... ie, things for my english exam in 4 fucking weeks. ohh no. dont worry chloe. thats fine.. not like you need too do anything revision seems youve done so much!! ... i need to start with this revision malarky rather than researching shit that might make me.. worse than i am.

i need to just book a doctors appointment i think? but fuck having a counciller! i deffinatly dont need one of those. its worried mums not taking her antidepressants too.. i know she wants to stop taking them.. but there 40's. she'll be on them for the rest of her life i bet. :(

hmmm. i hope i sleep tonight.

i want to be a photographer.

2011-11-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

ive been thinking this for a while. but its such a hard industry to brake into, so i need to do as much as i possibly can now, and try and constantly improve myself! photoshops a bitch that i need to brake, been focusing more on digital, but need to find my love for film again!

tim walker is so beautiful.

terrible i know..

2011-10-01T11:39:00.000-07:00

im writing this in january, terrible i know.. but i missed so much of my beautiful summer out! so i took a few snaps of pictures in my room! so here we are a snipet of my summer..

round 3.

2011-09-01T16:18:00.000-07:00

last night was eventful.. were both as bad as each other.. text me the last night of reading so being me i do as i like spare of the moment, and once again thought fuck it! deffinate police officer came over.. he saved our arse BIG time. not even funny. well it was.. fucking hilarious. one to tell the grandkids as i put it.. but we get along too well, and funny things like that crack me up! 'as far as wednesday nights go mine was pretty up there'

last official night of summer..

''what a night''

where have i been all summer?...

2011-09-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

this is crazy! i havent posted once, it doesnt feel like ive really been that busy... but i really have been! i just havent realised it.. the first week or so i had a few spare hours between days.. and now the whole of summer has gone! (nearly!) its been a good onee! :D

what ever you do..

2011-07-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

'dont fuck up my summer.'

where did june go?!

2011-07-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

i didnt post at all in june? whats going on with that?! so here we go! :)

inspiration

2011-07-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

why do i look for inspiration. im not going to find it sat on the same old computer chair looking at the same old webpages. i need to discover it. come across it. this summer i need to get out there and find it. not wlaking to the same old spot, taking the same old photos. discovering something new. something i give a shit about.

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

2011-05-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

this is not even me.

i will do it. even if it kills me.

2011-05-15T04:34:00.000-07:00

i cannot believe or get over that it has been 9 years. 9 long years, really long years, and it kills me to see um the way she is.. and the knowing that were never going to see you again. i hope your well. and havving fun up there.

see you up there in that better place when its my turn.

love you forever.

''9 years without you in our lives, atill miss and love you so much ans always will. you really dont know what youve got until it gone.. so thankful to have the bravest mum, ben and jacob... but theres still always a gap. ill love you forever dad, <3 see you in that better place..''

2011-05-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

just some things i like at the moment..

i wanna write something all over my walls, and i love the bedroom pictures here, it makes me wanna mixx everything up a little bit.. but i really dont have the time to be faffing about with my room and looking at pictures like these all night. although some of them are rather pretty and cute..

i need to knuckle the fuck down. one week. its mad.

oh yeaah and meghan has her driving test tomorrow!

eeekkk! fingers crossed.

goodnight. x

recently ive just been thinking.. fuck it!

2011-05-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

i just thought fuck it.

it was great.

for a while..

2011-05-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

he said i was boring. and i denied. he asked me to prove it..

and so i did.

as of present.

2011-05-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

weird thing..

2011-05-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

its such a weird thing. i never posted or wrote in my scrapbook when i was with dale, and norr liam.. i suppose i was happy and had nothing to really write about. its always post heartache that it all comes reeling out..

liam. wow. i am so so glad you cheated on me. but cheated on? really rather quite light hearted to be honest. you fucked me over, you lied to me and slept with a complete skanky slut. and my god im so thankful now.. i was so worried that it was me, that i had done something wrong. when all along no it was you. your just a skank who smokes skunk! :) aha. i dont really want to be associated with you anymore... not 'us' at least. you only have better fashion sense now casue of me lets be honest! :)

but i love that you feel the need to walk away from me, in an empty feild of.. nobody. it proves what a coward you are. and as for punching you? and making your nose bleed? and ruining your SHIT shirt? yeaaah, it felt good for a while. i also felt a cunt to. so appologising made me feel a little better. :)

but now.. sigh. its done. all over. finally i dont have to have anything to do with you. thank god. :) im happy now.

oh yeah, seeing my exboyfriend helped. ;) and im texting your cousin as i speak.

karmas only a bitch if you are babe.

after rereading my recently saved messages & posts..

2011-05-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

ive really realised.. i dont miss you. or actually give a shit about you.

yeah, i think about you. doesnt meen i care?
this is such a good thing.

such a good good thing!

im happy now.

recent.

2011-05-05T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today..

2011-05-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

Ah, it was today. One of the weirdest days ever. First thing had sixth form then found out that a teacher from chenderit had passed away last night, wednesday, he had fallen from 7ft on saturday. Its so sad. I had two frees first and went to dales..

yeah that was weird. left the door open so i could go straight up, and we watched road trip, bloody hilarious movie! but shit went down there.. wether it should have or not, oh well! was fun while it lasted. then had a chilled cuppa & a fag. then went to town with smith after 3rd period. Weird day. I just want a decent boyfriend now.

Well, it did suck..

Underwear.

2011-05-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

I think i need some new underwear. Out with the old in with the new kinda thing!

yes. Stunning!

cassies questions again..

2011-03-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

i like boys who make me laugh & treat people right.
i like girls who are true. the ones who make me smile and are fun to be around!
i like going new places.
i like doing nothing. i like having money.
i like cuddles.
i like feeling loved and being treated right.
i like that karma is going to hit you so fucking hard. give it time liam.
i like sandwiches. eating way to many.
i like that fact ive just had nearly a month off. and got paid for it.
i like being in the bestest mood ever. listening to motown in media today.
i like being surrounded by people who are fun and care.
i like being on my own. sometimes.
i love alfie lots! hes the best boy in the world.

today i had sixth form. some frees. a happy media lesson where i listened to motown. had a bath. thought about him. did nothing at night. chilled the fuck out.

i hate what you did to me.
i hate the fact you lied.
i hate it when alfies is sad.
i hate that sket & the fact i didnt slap her so hard around the face.
i hate getting up for sixth form.
i hate the ammount of work i get and dont do.
i hate being on my own. sometimes.

a mix up of photos im liking. :)

2011-03-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

Dont ever let them go.

2011-03-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

Throughout your life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they wobnt judge you.

This person is your soulmate. Your best friend. Dont ever let them go.

2011-03-31T12:52:00.000-07:00

i have so many things i could post about. its been so long. and ive been so wrapped up in numerous things! so lets make a start... where at. i dont know. in no specific order.

alot has changed..

2010-11-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

you could be lifted. from the shadows.

lose weight.

2010-11-22T14:35:00.001-08:00

nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

memory..

2010-11-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

Our Memory is more Magical than the whole universe. It gives back life to those who no longer exist..

tomorrow.

2010-09-29T15:06:00.000-07:00

Im running for social event leader tomorrow. Im preety nervous. Have to present a speech. I hope i dont fuck up. :)

2010-09-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

i cant stop listening to this song. the end.

2010-09-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

Ellie Goulding. The End.

'I think about you, more than i think one should'

2010-09-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

its been a while..

2010-09-21T13:02:00.001-07:00

At sixth form, and im into my second full week. Its weird. It kind of feels like in intruding on people, eventhough im not. Things were akward at the start with two of the girls as they felt they were getting left out & us 'warriner' girls were having all the attention, and other were acting like us and not being themselves. They really just need to pull there heads out of there arses and make a little effort now & again. I have been really trying this week.

He is there. Which is really weird. We really havent chatted much, and people have even asked whats going on as the last time they saw us was Henrys. I miss chatting to him like normal. Whatever normal is? But i dont know. He has such a big ego and is so in love with himself i dont think he could love anyone else enough. Why did he generally have to be a cunt to me. And fuck thoughts up in my head. I was fine & content. Then he came along and said aload of bull that fucked things up. I still think about things now..

But times a healer. I was saying to a friend today, that its not him i nessicerally miss, its the way he made me feel, the confidence i had. How much happier i was within myself when i had the added extra. That little boost. But when i have a knock, or get put down. Inside it takes me ages to get over that. but on the outside id seem as normal as ever.

Things are so weird.

I did this a while ago. i wanted to compare. Cassie from skins questions.

2010-08-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

I like boys who actually listen & give a shit.
and girls pretty much the same. but girls who are true & here to stay.

i like summer walks.
i like cuddles.
i like feeling loved.
i like having something to look forward too.
i like having good company.
i like that feeling you get, when someone makes you feel special?
i like writing & quotes.
i like in depth conversations.
i like laughing & smiling always.
i like new things.
i like my legs?

i love anything toy story atm.

Today was the best feeling. Lucy got back from Borneo, & Dale... and i saw her we went for a walk only a small one but it was lush too see her again after a month. God ive missed that girl.

i hate this becca character stalking me.
i hate the fact my brother beats me the way he does.
i hate seeing people hurt.
i hate harri right now.
i hate confrotations.
i hate having nothing to wear.
i hate forgetting things.

I can see.

2010-08-10T15:16:00.000-07:00

Ive already got my hopes up. Its too late & i can see that. I need to not worry. I need to stop making effort. I dont know whats 'really' going on, and i dont know what he 'really' thinks. They got home this morning, and it was the best thing ever to see lucy. I nearly started crying. It was so nice to see her, and chat to her.. although it wasnt for long. =/ but hopefully see her after work tomorrow. :) And as for Dale, i will see him at Fairport & we are maybe going to watch Toy Story at Oxford as it has stopped showing at banbury. But i really dont know.

I never told you.

2010-08-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

Please? ♥

2010-08-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

These last few days have been the hardest, trying not to think about you. Its curiosity really though isnt it.. the fact that you have been away for a whole month and you will be back in a matter of hours. Fuck me. I dont know what to think. Have you completly abondened the idea yet, or had second thoughts.. or what do you really want. Its been hard to not think about things. But i have, and know im kinda getting nervous. I really dont know what to think. I just want to see you.. for a while.

Please?

scrapbooking.

2010-08-08T15:24:00.000-07:00

I am so in love with Toy Story right now. Today i brought a new Toy Story pencil case for sixth form. I love it. :)

2010-08-07T16:39:00.001-07:00

Right now?..

2010-08-07T16:08:00.000-07:00

So, its been a while since i have properly wrote. But what have i really been upto? Well.. Today i went shopping with my mum, which was lovely, as i got my first pay slip yesterday & found out i have £170 in my bank! Which was a lussh feeling.

I have seen alot of my friend Meghan recently which has been really nice, and we went on a walk to a certain place we went to when we were around 13 years old, and where we took pictures together, and we took pictures there again. :)

Ive alot recently made a lovely new friend Kristina, who is very sadly moving to sweden in less than two weeks, which will be a lush expirience for her! But very sad for everyone else having to say goodbye! We made the cutest cupcakes the other day, and had a guilty pleasure of writing names on the odd one & eating them.. which sounds bizzare, but at the time was completly hilarious! :D We also went to town with Meghan, and later on me & kristina went to Pizza Express for dinner, was so so lovely. :)

Also went to underaged festival with megan last weekend, and stayed a couple of nights in London, and it was seriosuly good! Didnt expect it to be as good as it turnt out to be, & saw some amazing artists, one of which im listening to now.. Ellie Goulding, but then again im always listening to her! :) We also had a funny time in Marylebone train station after finding out we had a fair few hours to wait for our train which sucked, but turnt out to be quite funny pointlessly waiting around and being complete gaylords. :)

So that was pretty much this week in a nutshell, will attach some pictures, and so on..

Pretty things.

2010-08-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

2010-08-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

Its a one way street and both ways are fucked.

2010-08-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. Thats hope always triumps over expirience. That laughter is the only cure for greif.. and i believe that love is undoubtedly stronger than death.

2010-08-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

The weather is here, wish you were nice..

2010-08-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

Inspired by others.

2010-08-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

i have changed so so much.

2010-08-04T14:05:00.001-07:00

Its so werid to think how time and people change. I have changed so so much since the start of school, and nows its all ended and everyone is moving on, its strange to see friendships falling appart, and people changing at drastic measures. Some things change for the best! But then other change for the worst. And yeah, its a shame.. but things go on.

willpower.

2010-08-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

I wish i had willpower to stop myself from doing things, and to force myself to do other things. If i had the willpower at the time of everything being brought back again, how different would things be now. If i stuck to my guns, and told myself no.. they were in the wrong. dont ever go back. would i be more grateful. happier? or exactly the same.

this pretty much makes no sence to anyone but me.

but i wish i had willpower.

Sunny Sundays. :)

2010-08-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

After Arriving home from majorca, i went for a dog walk with Alfie, and considering we were in England it was pretty warm. <3

2010-07-27T13:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, i have a huge oppourtunity in my hands. But i dont know how to take it. How to battle it. How to approach it. And most of all.. how i feel about it. Do i trust this guy? Or do i walk away..?

Course i cant walk away. This is all i wanted a few months ago.. but now i think alot differently. And from what ive heard from people, its real & right. But is it? Really?.. Honestly?

Maybe i should wait till he comes home.

Ps. I might just go watch Toy Story 3 without you.

busy busy busy.

2010-07-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

Its been a really long while & alot had changed. I write alot more rather than posting or scrapping bits & pieces. Im home sweet home from two lovely holidays, extremly lucky! But was all amazing, first was majorca and it was a very chilled out week, the second was turkey which was a little more upbeat and was really niceee. :) I didnt take the pictures i wanted to take, i wanted to take a picture of the flower & mountain like last year.. but didnt.

Recently met some absolutly amazing people which i can really see being my rocks throughtout sixth form, there a lush bunch of girls! And i really love that i still have the old group & also the new, we all get on like a house on fire, & i love it. Still so much to look forward to.

I love it. :)

2010-07-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

What if nothing really exisits and we are all someones dream.

i got inspired..

2010-05-27T13:05:00.000-07:00

i have no idea who he is.. but i find this beautiful.

2010-05-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

''I noticed her right away. Not only was she beautiful, she had a broken nose and two blakc eyes. I had this fantasy that she'd been beaten by a boyfriend and i was going to save her.'' - Jeff Bridges talking about his wife.

stupid?

2010-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

it sounds so stupid. but look.. im bored now. like really bored. i want something interesting to happen! For someone to come along? yep. that would be lovely. but for sure i have the best summer heading my way.. its going to be so so lusssh! i cannot waitt. =)

its been a while..

2010-05-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

So much has changed. and so much has happened. things that were planned.. but things that have been so emotional. crazy. and so so unforgetable. Warriner schoolers from 2005-2010. These past years have been the best of my life. Appreciate everyone so much. I will never forget the last day of my education at the Warriner. i loved everyone from that place, and it will be truely missed!

thanks so much.

2010-05-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

Wicked.

Yep.

Spoilt little fucking brat.

Why dont you just all fuck off..

Ive had enough with the fucking trying hard. everything is my fault. i know. doesnt matter that hes an absoloute cunt to me, no? Done with fucking trying. Ive tried to make you see clear, and make you happier. But no. Its all me. From that one thing. Im the fucking bitch. The spoilt brat. The one who fucking rules eveything. Worthless. Only thinks about myself.

Doesnt fucking matter that you beat me does it?

And yes. You ARE a fucking prick. So fuck off out of our lives.

And yes, you are a fucking idiot. Open your eyes and stop wasting your time.

what is wrong with me.

2010-03-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

i havent been having a good time this week. i had an emotional day friday. drama exam, and some encounters of the past where brought up. a poem. and it brought things back to me.. i needed to get out, but couldnt.

my weekend then wasnt great, but i saw a friend who i hadnt for a while and that was lovely i spoke to her about everything and anything over costa, and it helped greatly. that was really needed.

then school first thing was that presenatation. no one understands. no one. i couldnt do it. i havent been in a situation like that.. and my reaction was to shout. scream. and debate against the idea that if you speed you will diee? well what if your not speeding and it isnt your fault?! what about that! ..quite obviously i didnt scream. i left quietly.

shit has been going on at home. and i fell like i have nobody. no one. it seems like no one gives a fuck. im not attention seeking. not at all. but friends should be there. and no one is. and i feel like i have turnt too people who have been distance for a while. and there the ones i turn too? holly & emily. they have helped me alot.

''day by day. hour by hour. minute by minute. if thats what it takes''

''all things are put into my path for a reason. i need to cope and deal with it''

so emily was there. we cried. she helped me. and know one knew. i have cried everyday at school this week and its really not me. i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. i dont know who my friends are anymore?.. she hasnt been the best. and i feel as though she can realte to whats going on in my head. and she can help me digest things and maybe understand them. like she said there thoughts.. maybe bad. and not so good. but think about them for a while.. let them go into this side of my head and think yeah.. thats not so good. and let it float right out my head again.. not forget. but help it digest in some what way.

im missing dad so fucking much at the moment. and know one understands how hard it really is. when people talk about there dads.. or family. and a day hasnt gone by when i havent thought about him. yet.. its been so long and seems like yesetrday. but it NEVER gets any easier. never.. and i dont know if that status was about me. but she can serisouly fuck off. yeaah, so what if she didnt know i was having a totally shit day.. she shouldnt have spoken to me like absoloute shit and evern others have said she was out of order who were in the room. and no im not blowing this out of proportion she shouldnt have spoken to me that way.. its not fair. both times. on the phone also. its not right.. and being a wanker about the situation? i am always fucking there for her. she needs to sort her priorities outt. get a life? get over it? no, im not going to fucking get over it. i will never ever ever get over it. i have to live the rest of my fucking life without my dad there.. for my prom, on results day, when i graduate, when i get married and have children, he is not going to be there to walk me down the aisle! and no i will never fucking get ovet that. its something i have to live with.. and will never get over. and get a life? you try getting a fucking life and stop crying over someone who really doesnt want you and quiteobviouslty doesnt care about you if he is treating you the way her doess. fucking get a life yourself! your always crying other pathetics thing.. i cry over my dad. and im told to get a life? yes, maybe casuse i was emotional the way you spoke to me had a knock on effect... nevertheless you were bang out of order!

and no the whole world doesnt revolve around me? becasue it evidently revolves around you.. thats why you wrote it. i understand. your are selfish. you want the attention. i hate fuckign seeing you sad. it makes me sad. and you evidently dont mind the reverese actions! you have made so many people sad in the past. havent you!

and you must feel guilty that you hurt me.. then see me cry about something worth crying about. my dad. you think to yourself.. shit. i should really try and be a good friend now. casuse you dont see pain. no one can fucking see pain. yes you can see tears. but anyone can fucking cry thats easy. but when you really hurting surely you dont want people to see..

thats like me.. everyday i have cried since friday.. and i dont want people to see me. so i hide. or talk to one person. and ive let it out. it hurts i dont want the attention. and i dont want people to see me that way.. casue then they ask questions and want to know. so i try not to cry. or be sad. that way no one knows. i put on a front. if people see me happy they dont ask questions and think im okay.. but then i cry. casue i not happy and its like.. like a mask. if people dont see tears they dont see pain. its easier that way.. no one knows.

but i dont think i can do it. not on my own.

i cant talk to mum.

norr ben.

jake wont understand.

lily might tell jess.

i cant trust jess.

i evidently cant trust harri.

smith might tell harri.

megs wont understand and doesnt know much about me.

tamm has been away.

emily will worry.

holly is too far away.

dad isnt herr.

my concillor isnt her.

my family are shit.

so who.. who do i turn to but myself?..

one side is saying dont worry be happy.. its fine. people will see you happy. no one will know this way. the other side is saying NO! dont be happy. you need to work this out for yourself. this is your problem. sort it outt. what is wrongwith you. pull yourself together... shit what is wrong with me?

im crying now. im not right. i need help.

things & messages i like.

2010-03-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

i remember..

2010-03-24T14:47:00.001-07:00

Ben: do you remember when dad used to call mum blondie?

Chloe: Phahaa. Yeaha why?..

Ben: Just thought about it

Chloe: ahh, :)

This is the first time we have ever spoken over line. It was really nice, and nice that he shared this thought with me. As were getting older, i hope we become closer. And he hopefully stops the silly things hes doing, Hes been clean for 2 weeks now. A record i think. He also helped me do some art tonight.. it was really nice.

Even though bad things have happened in the past.. really bad thing. I still love him. Hes my Brother. x

crazy talent.

2010-03-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

Love the Voice.
One of her songs was my soundtrack to this weekend.

But I do hate it when you know of a talent and they suddenly become popular, and every chav knows of them! So bloody annoying!
But good on her! =)

E l l i e G o u l d i n g.

devon.

2010-03-08T06:21:00.000-08:00

So got back yesterday, Had an Amazing weekend away to Devon with one of my best friends. It was great. We chilled, went on walks, took lots of pointless photos.. but some rather cute so that alright! We has some hilarious times, like actually physically weeing ourselves! It was so uncontralable. = and then weeing any other weird and wonderful place i could find. Including a very posh bath tub. Im discusting! ahaaa. Trying to work out an arrangement 0f how both of us will get in and out of the bath tubs in the same room. :/ and..

''JACCCCK, get mum! And ask her how to put bubbless in the bath!! ITS AN EMERGENCY!''

ahaa. that was fun. and then got a little bit too worse for wear and done some stuff i shouldnt have. One being pissing my best friend off. im sorry about that. I need to stop it. Your always the one helping me out when im in state. =

What to wear? Our Dresses!

The Beautiful Bathroom.

Also the dress is fine, so thats a bonus. So glad i was invited and went. =) i loved it. so chilled and nice. with a lovely bunch of people, and a wonderful family. =D

dont be late.

2010-03-04T12:34:00.000-08:00

Please Please Please dont be late.

Cause when the time comes.

For me to go i meen..

I will need you there.

Waiting for me.

Whenever it will be.

Dont be late.

I love you.

♥

Tuppa Tea.

2010-03-04T12:28:00.001-08:00

I Havent had a Cuppa Tea for days! So im sat here with a brew and now im down to half a sugar! Im so so extremly crazily excited for this weekend! Off to Devon tomoroow with the Best friend and seriosuly cant wait.. its going to be madness and there i expect were just chill and do nothing for hours! (sleep?) ahaa.

The place looks beautiful and im sure we'll be taking a few dozen pictures! =D

Im Yours.

2010-02-28T15:23:00.001-08:00

I think i got around 30 seconds into the song. Thats a record. I hate that song with a Passion.. and its weird that last summer his album was all i listened too as i brought it in America. I remember sitting in my room making my Summer scrapbook for textiles and it was on repeat the whole time and i loved the happy cheery mood it put me in. As soon as Jason Mraz hit England about 9 months later. It was a craze.

But the fact is. I cant stand it. I dont think ill ever be able to listen to it again with enjoyment. Or without leaving the room, or turing it off.
Stupid.

You see..

2010-02-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

you see the thing is i love you. i love you.

But you see i resent you all the same..

and all my others friends just say your slowing me down?

♥

I hate you so much right now.

2010-02-24T10:28:00.000-08:00

2010-02-23T14:42:00.000-08:00

Prom.

2010-02-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

Im so excited about prom. its all booked now. =)

This would be my perfect dress.. i just need to find it! ♥

megan elizabeth owen smith.

2010-02-23T10:20:00.000-08:00

Wow. this girl is an amazing one. ive recently discovered she is the one person who i can truly trust. alot of things have opened my eyes recently and she is one of them. completly genuine and caring. and if i havent seen her in a whilei really start to miss her, but when we do see each other we have a great time. she is the kind of person you spend your most hilarious and embarrising times with, but then can simply spent ages in silence with, and it just not be arqward. i love it. i have had some of the best times with this girl. and i reaaally cant wait for devon, will be sooo lussh! after that our birthdays, prom, fairport maybe, reading maybe, that newquay beach thing & turkey! Its going to be amazing.. and once thats all done with. We can start all over again, at a completly different place.

Listening to Jake Penate torn on the platform..''your not my girl, your my tower'' its in the wrong context i know.. but i sometimes belive she is my tower! i feel with some friends they will judge me, issues with my family and things. she doesnt. at all. its crazy how its not been many years, and i know for a fact i will remember her forever. every english class we have been togther, i think our friendship was forced by something! Im going to spoilt it and say something cheesy like fate. its such an easy friendship. i think so, and the fact she is one my friends who has never hurt me. ever. she is just always there, even if its not saying a word. it helps. and i want to thank her for that. i want to thank her for all the amazing times weve had. and thank you for all the amazing times we have to come. i love you millions girl. please remember that.

i hope you read this very carefully. ♥

Toy Story.

2010-02-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

How sad is it that Toy Story was what really attracted me to you, at the very beginning?

I love Toy Story. ♥

dream. in peace. i dont want to be scared.

2010-02-21T15:12:00.000-08:00

On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

So i had a really 'messed up' dream. I kind of blame the fact i watched lovely bones. I am listening to the song listed above now, and it makes me want to just.. cry. It reminds me of that dream. The dream about dads funeral. i only rember parts of his funeral.. the rest is a blur.

But in this dream, i was screaming. I was screaming so hard. So loud. But no one was listening. It was wrong, all so wrong. He was vanishing, going to be creamted, but thats not what he wanted. And i was so sad, i showed my emotions, i was screaming and crying.. but i cant remember showing my feeling, im more of an expressive person now. The journey, in real life, from the church to the cemetry, is one big blur..but I do remember throwing the red rose, and my nan being there. And the flowers, the ammount of flowers there were masses. I knew my dad was loved, but the flowers went over and around other peoples graves. He had so many friends, and was such a good person?

My anutie and nan were also there, i was the age i am now and i was shouting at them, for hurting mum so much. Even when im asleep im thinking about what they did. I hate them for it. Its her wonderful wedding anniversery on the 28th of this month. I want to send her something. Like a punch in an envolope.

I cant remember alot more about the dream, but i remember i felt weak and blank for the rest of the day. It was the weirdest feeling. Im quite glad he has things he wanted. I love you so much, and think about you everyday.

Love you always.

Cassie Therapy Questions.

2010-02-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

I like boys who laugh with me, and give a fuck.
and girls who always care. I know who they are.

I like that feeling.
I like spending time with my mum and friends.
I like scrapbooking and blogging. basically to myself.
I like jimi jams.
I like the idea of that place.
I like spending hours wandering around new places. seeing new thing. art. clothes.
I like taking photos. looking at photos. blaah..
I like singing and dancing on my own.
I like blazers.
I like interesting people.
I like my military boots.

I love the idea of life, and discovering lots of new stuff.

Today is lovely. i went to London with a best friend.

I hate that feeling.
I hate the thought of my mum being unhappy.
I hate the fact i will never see my dad again.
I hate seeing people cry.
I hate it when people 'discover' good music ive know for ages.
I hate my mums fucking boyfriend. wanker.
I hate the way i look.

Id like to know what your thinking.

2010-02-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

Your Love Keeps on Lifting me, Higher & Higher!

2010-02-14T02:55:00.000-08:00

I Love my Family. Id do anything for them.

Wish you were here dad, to make mum Smile on days like these! And were here to join in on family times, like Jakeys 18th. Love you all Millions.

Happy Valentines day!

With Love.

2010-02-14T02:39:00.000-08:00

Two guys i think i could have actually loved? But no. =)
Its cool. I like being on my own on Valentines day. =)

Valentines day isnt about being with one person you love. Its about thinking of all the people who you love, or you have loved, or who love you in return. Ones who are not here to spend the day with us, but you will always love and remeber. Its about letting all the important people in your life know you love them. Happy Valentines day.

Miss you. Love you.

2010-02-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

In the arms of the angels

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wrekage

Of your silent reverie

Your in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here.
x

Stop comparing me to Pat Butcher Thanks!

2010-02-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

I like my hair here.

Pointless.

Ah, we used to listen to this song together. Bad Times? ahaa.

2010-02-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

I drunkly text you.
And you dont know who it is.
And its really starting to piss you off!
I love that.
Im not going to reply.
Gutted.
You big GAYLORD.

Oh yeah. Your hair sucks. Get it re-highlighted or somthing you Puff! =)

i wish you gaylords didnt pick those off. It secretly really pissed me off. =|

2010-02-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

Mum.

2010-02-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my inspiring mum. The shit she has been through.. she is so so brave and inspiring to me. I just wish she was happy. That would be my second most wanted wish in the world. Her day hasn't been brilliant. I just wished her mum loved and cared for her as much as she does her, and as much as i love my mum. Its bang out of order. Its now 10 o'clock on my mums birthday and she hasnt even had a text, phonecall, let alone card from her parents. It makes me so sad, and love her a whole lot more. I know she would never do that to me. I wish dad was here to celebrate her birthday with us. Miss you. Love you... and happy birthday mum. Dont worry, Ill love you forever. x

lush weekend.

2010-02-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

so ive had quite a busy but reall nice couple of days. it was my brothers 18th so there has been a few sessions, that have been on going. Family came up from the coast which was lovely. and had a really good night. some emotional parts. but today has been a weird one. brother is moving back with his ols housemates and needs to 'sort his head' i dont really know what this means. but im just thinking its about time that the 'fat ogre' fucked off now. thanks. mums birthday tomorrow. all the things are mostly handmade. but i hope she'll like it. x

I know the feeling.

2010-01-31T13:44:00.000-08:00

I know the feeling. This is a recent Post from Postsecrets. If it raises awarness to even one person. I praise this man. One of my best friends is into bikes. I dont even get it. And her friends drive like absolute prickss! It scared my mum to death. She is the bravest person i know. I love you mum & dad.

Didnt really know what to feel about these.

2010-01-31T13:38:00.001-08:00

So it was a nice gesture. But what am i surpose to say? They dont even know why things have turnt the way they have. Its annoying and arqward. But they can F*ck Off cant they. =D And yeah, i care about lily more so.. i always will. She will never understand why. But i will. It all revolves around to Dad. And she wouldnt think twice about it!

And i want my Black Bra bacck! That was soooo Damn comfy! =D

Meerkat.

2010-01-31T13:23:00.001-08:00

Comparing you too a Meerkat makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. =)

Ive Had a lovely weekend. Happy Sunday. =)

2010-01-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

I love this Girly, and all the others. =) And this weekend, ive discovered a little bit more about the people i want to be around and the person i want to be. Only a fraction more. But its made a difference. Its werid how only a small amount of time and change the rest of your life. Not saying this weekend has been life changing.. but its made a differecnce.

But i am getting extremly excited about 2010. Honestly cant wait. And i know you'll read this some time, So Megan Smith. I love you. =)

lie.

2010-01-31T13:09:00.000-08:00

You dont really love me. You only think you do. Im the only person you can relate things too. Thats all. You only think you do. But you dont love me. Do you?

pretty thingss.

2010-01-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

reminising summer 2009. actually cant wait for 2010.

2010-01-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

so i found are only picture.. i didnt know what to think. i miss you though, i think thats all i know for certain these days.

2010-01-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

But i never told you.
What i should have said.
No i never told you.
I just held it it.

And now i miss everything about you.
Cant believe that i still want you.
After all the things weve been through.

I miss everything about you.